Nowadays it is quite the normal for single parents to bring up their children alone. Many are admired for the wonderful way that their children turn out. Over
here in England the state goes a long way to help support single parent families not only with financial support topping up wages when the parent can only work
a few hours a week, but every town has a multitude of government nursery schools and more being opened yearly. There are so many schemes to help those that are
struggling to bring up a family alone which I wont go into because the idea is not to look at now but to look at then.
Then, single parents were looked down on unless it was because your Husband had died and you were a widow. A woman was expected to stand by her husband regardless of whether he was sleeping around or beating her and/or the children. If one fell pregnant and the Father wouldn't marry her the woman was persuaded to put the child up for adoption. Young pregnant girls were secretly swept off to a mother and baby home as soon as she started to show and stayed there until the child was born and the adoption society had come and take the baby away. Sometimes if the girl was lucky her own Mother would take on the child and the child would grow up believing that her own Grandmother was her Mother and her Mother was her sister. Those days were certainly harsh on the women of the time.
By the time my younger sister was a few months old my Mother was a single parent.
She had married at a very early age simply because both her Husband's and her family expected it. He was a lovely man but totally opposite to my Mother. She was full of life and wasn't ready to settle down to married life and bringing up a family. He (Reg) was reliable, responsible, staid and here in England he was what we would call (metaphorically) a pipe and slipper man. It should have been obvious to all that the marriage would never have worked in the long run.
On marrying she made it quite clear to her Husband that she didn't want children. She never wanted children. Shortly into her marriage she found herself pregnant and was so furious that she made Hubby sleep on the floor for a fortnight before she forgave him. I also have to say here that my Mother hated sex so maybe that by making him sleep on the floor she also had an ulterior motive. During that marriage both my elder sisters were born, one a few years before the Second World War and one during.
Shortly after the war and Reg came home for good they were divorced and that is where I am leaving that part of Mum's life as this is my story and not hers. But, I must finish off by saying that Reg and Mum were great friends for the rest of their lives until Mum decided to up sticks and leave this world for pastures greener in 1990 where Reg was to follow her exactly to the month a year later.
Reg featured greatly in my life and from here on in I will be referring to him as Dad. Although I, nor my younger sister, ever had any claims on him as a Father, he was after all only my Mothers first Husband, not even a Step Father, he was, to us, Dad. Likewise he could not claim us as his daughters nor step daughters but to him we were as his daughters. I still have contact with one of my Dad's nieces and to her I am her cousin. Dad's Mother was my Granny Yates and that was it, no argument. We all know and all have always known that Dad was not my Dad but there has been no distinction between any of us as to blood relationship and the type of way we are all really linked.
As I said earlier, this is not my Mothers story so I am just going to say that after Mum and Dad's divorced came my younger sister and I, both born out of wedlock, much to my Mothers family's disgust and from there on in her name was not a good one.
By the time my younger sister was a few months old there was no longer a man on the scene. My Mother's long term common law husband, Charlie, had been kicked out. I had no memories of him until I was 12 years old and he suddenly appeared on the doorstep because he had come all the way down from Yorkshire to the London area to watch a large football match and thought he would drop in on us for a cup of tea. I have to say that I couldn't like the man.
Maybe I will mention more of the 4 or so years between my Mother's divorce and Charlie leaving us all in a later post, but at this point in time I am not willing to share that part of my Mothers life. Needless to say it was at this point that my Mother truly became a single parent.
She now had 4 girls to bring up totally on her own. With 4 children it would have been impossible for her to go out to work and make sure we were cared for properly so we lived on the state.
In those days it was called National Assistance. They treated women in the position my Mother was in as if they were a bad smell under their nose. Any form of respect as a human being didn't exist. The money the state gave in assistance in those days can't compare in comparison with the help that is given nowadays. We lived in abject poverty with barely enough to feed us and keep us warm in the winter.
Looking back as an adult, I have no idea how my Mother coped not only financially but also emotionally. I do know that there were many times that she went hungry to make sure we had enough. So much so that all my young life my Mother was extremely anaemic and was continually having to have iron pills and sometimes daily injections to build her up. But cope she did and not only brought us up as decent human beings she gave us a wonderful childhood that I can look back on, not only with love, but also massive respect for who and what my Mother was. Many people in her position would have given up and put their children in one of the many children's homes that were around then, but the thought of that, as far as I know, never entered her mind.
It is here that I must tell you that my Mother was far from conventional and I am pleased to say that out of all of us sisters I take after my Mother the most. Looking back she seemed to be always laughing and was great fun. There must have been times when she was pulling her hair out trying to find the money for electricity, gas, coal and food. But somehow she coped.
How She Coped - to follow in the next post.
Then, single parents were looked down on unless it was because your Husband had died and you were a widow. A woman was expected to stand by her husband regardless of whether he was sleeping around or beating her and/or the children. If one fell pregnant and the Father wouldn't marry her the woman was persuaded to put the child up for adoption. Young pregnant girls were secretly swept off to a mother and baby home as soon as she started to show and stayed there until the child was born and the adoption society had come and take the baby away. Sometimes if the girl was lucky her own Mother would take on the child and the child would grow up believing that her own Grandmother was her Mother and her Mother was her sister. Those days were certainly harsh on the women of the time.
By the time my younger sister was a few months old my Mother was a single parent.
She had married at a very early age simply because both her Husband's and her family expected it. He was a lovely man but totally opposite to my Mother. She was full of life and wasn't ready to settle down to married life and bringing up a family. He (Reg) was reliable, responsible, staid and here in England he was what we would call (metaphorically) a pipe and slipper man. It should have been obvious to all that the marriage would never have worked in the long run.
On marrying she made it quite clear to her Husband that she didn't want children. She never wanted children. Shortly into her marriage she found herself pregnant and was so furious that she made Hubby sleep on the floor for a fortnight before she forgave him. I also have to say here that my Mother hated sex so maybe that by making him sleep on the floor she also had an ulterior motive. During that marriage both my elder sisters were born, one a few years before the Second World War and one during.
Shortly after the war and Reg came home for good they were divorced and that is where I am leaving that part of Mum's life as this is my story and not hers. But, I must finish off by saying that Reg and Mum were great friends for the rest of their lives until Mum decided to up sticks and leave this world for pastures greener in 1990 where Reg was to follow her exactly to the month a year later.
Reg featured greatly in my life and from here on in I will be referring to him as Dad. Although I, nor my younger sister, ever had any claims on him as a Father, he was after all only my Mothers first Husband, not even a Step Father, he was, to us, Dad. Likewise he could not claim us as his daughters nor step daughters but to him we were as his daughters. I still have contact with one of my Dad's nieces and to her I am her cousin. Dad's Mother was my Granny Yates and that was it, no argument. We all know and all have always known that Dad was not my Dad but there has been no distinction between any of us as to blood relationship and the type of way we are all really linked.
As I said earlier, this is not my Mothers story so I am just going to say that after Mum and Dad's divorced came my younger sister and I, both born out of wedlock, much to my Mothers family's disgust and from there on in her name was not a good one.
By the time my younger sister was a few months old there was no longer a man on the scene. My Mother's long term common law husband, Charlie, had been kicked out. I had no memories of him until I was 12 years old and he suddenly appeared on the doorstep because he had come all the way down from Yorkshire to the London area to watch a large football match and thought he would drop in on us for a cup of tea. I have to say that I couldn't like the man.
Maybe I will mention more of the 4 or so years between my Mother's divorce and Charlie leaving us all in a later post, but at this point in time I am not willing to share that part of my Mothers life. Needless to say it was at this point that my Mother truly became a single parent.
She now had 4 girls to bring up totally on her own. With 4 children it would have been impossible for her to go out to work and make sure we were cared for properly so we lived on the state.
In those days it was called National Assistance. They treated women in the position my Mother was in as if they were a bad smell under their nose. Any form of respect as a human being didn't exist. The money the state gave in assistance in those days can't compare in comparison with the help that is given nowadays. We lived in abject poverty with barely enough to feed us and keep us warm in the winter.
Looking back as an adult, I have no idea how my Mother coped not only financially but also emotionally. I do know that there were many times that she went hungry to make sure we had enough. So much so that all my young life my Mother was extremely anaemic and was continually having to have iron pills and sometimes daily injections to build her up. But cope she did and not only brought us up as decent human beings she gave us a wonderful childhood that I can look back on, not only with love, but also massive respect for who and what my Mother was. Many people in her position would have given up and put their children in one of the many children's homes that were around then, but the thought of that, as far as I know, never entered her mind.
It is here that I must tell you that my Mother was far from conventional and I am pleased to say that out of all of us sisters I take after my Mother the most. Looking back she seemed to be always laughing and was great fun. There must have been times when she was pulling her hair out trying to find the money for electricity, gas, coal and food. But somehow she coped.
How She Coped - to follow in the next post.
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Last edited by: Sandy 12/12/08 13:38:36.
Edited 4 times.
Comments
Posted: 11/16/08 09:34:59
Your mom must have been a remarkable woman. Imagine the stress she must have been under ... just worrying about where the next meal would come from...were you aware of any of that when you were little? Or, did she shield you from that as best she could...?
Posted: 11/16/08 11:37:51
I have already started the next post which was originally going to be part of this one, but it was getting so long and I have so much to say that I have saved the bit I have cut off and that bit will be the beginning of the next post.
Posted: 12/01/08 23:17:45
What an interesting "story" you have told, though I hesitate to use that word for this is an autobiographical work, your reality not someone's fiction. But there are many books out there where people sell their lives for public readership. I wonder if you have ever thought that you might one day have many strings that will knot together to make an entire length of something so readable that many would be fascinated.
What I see is that despite the circumstance you loved your mother. And maybe because of the realisation of how hard this must have been, you can look back and understand now, and probably love and admire her even more. It is only with the passing of time and the maturing of our minds that we as adults can understand better what we accepted as children.
I feel privileged to have read this and like Lin, I will be back for the next chapter.
Posted: 12/02/08 17:08:10
Mum was a very special woman, and I don't say that because she was my Mother and I loved/love her. She truly was unusual which hopefully will show as I write. I could never say she was perfect, because what person is, but she was the perfect Mother for me.
Speak to any one of her Grandchildren and they will all say she was a wonderful Grandmother and one just couldn't have had a better one.
I quote my eldest niece here who only said the other day "Nan was an amazing Grandmother to have. What other Nan would drag the mattress outside on the balcolny just so we could sleep under the stars"
She certainly left some happy memories behind.
Posted: 12/07/08 07:24:05
That conjures up such a wonderful image ... and it says it all. :)